Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”