Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.