A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?