ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!