I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.