Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
You Might Also Like
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler