What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.