2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Just a reminder, folks:
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.