Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.