“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
i meant to share this earlier
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Lmaoo 😂
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Tell the colonel to bring it
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?