“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool