I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.