You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”