literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.