Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby