lot going on here, legally speaking.
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#CoronaOutbreak
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
dads on road-trips be like
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos