My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school