{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
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Ironic
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please