RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.