Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Great Canadian literature.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.