god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open