“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-