Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I think this should do it.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!