Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
People buying plungers never look happy.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago