[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“i am a sweet baby”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.