FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat