not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
It’s actually Dr. whatever
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?