Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
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My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Woke up against my better judgment again
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again