I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.