asking santa clause for nudes
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.