I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You Might Also Like
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?