If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.