According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up