Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The “baby” on the left….
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.