I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My dad teaching me to drive
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark