Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.