Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.