I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
i wish we could shoplift online
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
HOW DARE YOU
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.