I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
All set.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!