My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.