Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!