Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
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I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Finally! 😈
Why font matters.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
awkward
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.