WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
reminder
How to woo a woman
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.