You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
All excellent questions
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.