I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.