If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏