I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*