“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.