honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?