[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Mmmm canned fish.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Home #decor warning.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.